Things I’d rather not say…

It has been years since i stopped writing down my innermost thoughts online. I’ve even deleted my previous blog because I got so sick of how I could openly tell strangers about myself. This time though, I think even if I write everything down in a very detailed manner it would be buried somewhere because of how populated the internet has become.

It’s not like I’ll go back spewing my innermost thoughts again its just that. I wish to say something and the someone I used to tell it to is gone.

It’s lonely. I just got reminded. It’s been a while since I’ve thought about that person so this more of a nostalgic detour more than anything.



Day 15

Words by itself has no intrinsic power. When used efficiently (or without tact) it could do one too many things. Sometimes good mostly bad.

That’s why I gladly immerse in his silence. A gaze that lasts a mere second was enough to start a spark and build fire. His smile that I caught in a reflection stills my heart.

Then again, the image is distorted. It may just as well look and sound better in my head. I don’t want to do anything about it. This time, I sit this one out.

For now.
I’ll get away.
I’ll get lost.
For a moment, it’s not such a bad idea.

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Mondays are fine. It’s me who’s not.

I’ve been given one of three things I’ve asked for, apprehension is starting to brew. Two days isn’t enough to rearrange the routine I’ve doggedly followed for three months. I could’ve sworn it has nothing to do with my new schedule. More like what comes with it. I’d get to attend morning classes. I’d get to renew all paperworks that needed done before November. I’d get to feel the warmth of sunrise on my face. I’d get to linger a little longer than usual. The latter has a tinge of trouble in it, yes?

But don’t I long for trouble. Reminds me of the time when I roam the streets at night looking for it. Things have changed. It is a decision I’ve made since I decided to leave everything behind 8 years ago. Let everything go 3 years later. I’ve come so far. Far enough to realize the difference. If Jamie and Jane could see me now I wonder if they’d still love me. It’s not that I’ve become another person entirely. I have just learned to let different versions of my self take over me whenever I desire. And as of late my desires has become more and more intrepid. There will be no dearth of possibilities in the days ahead.

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That Chinese Wall

I am very sure I want to sketch or paint again. I really do. My sketch pad is neatly tucked on my desk, left hand corner together with a case filled with every HB pencil needed for a basic sketch with the proper eraser. Somehow, the moment I reach out for them, I get all hazy inside. My mind starts muddled with ALL suggestions possible; naked people (again?), portrait(of whom?), practice sketch (haven’t I done that already?) or landscape ?(bleh, not really).

So, I go and dig up for my old sketches, the ones I had scanned and posted in my now defunct malayangsining blog. I was able to find a few saved ones, the ones I don’t particularly like.

practice four

I suppose I could take a photograph of the ones I haven’t digitally scanned then post it. Maybe I’d feel better then. I sometimes feel like they’ve turned themselves into an excess baggage, the drawings I mean.

I believe in love (help me find it!)

Before you shower me with your unsolicited advice let me tell you that I’m talking about last Sunday’s episode of Touch(On second thought, you may still advice all you can I’d still read that.)

I am a sucker for short sweet and unnecessarily sordid storytelling about finding love. Although I was more interested in what Martin would find out upon opening the door using the 1188 key, I was also anticipating what Natalie would do next. Yes, as always, I had a strong feeling that Paulo would eventually CHOOSE her over the sexy and lovely Celeste who was the topic of Natalie’s video blog.

Oh, how I loved that video blog. I wonder if I can find something similar IRL. If you know one, please leave me a message.

All right, I was also very very very much intrigued with that gentleman from Argentina‘s present to Natalie (when they all met at Kismet). I have already successfully made a dulce de leche base and making more recipes using it is something I am working on. Perhaps, I’ll start with the ice cream that Paulo and Celeste shared then hopefully find a recipe of the one that the gentleman from Argentina bought.

PS: I am really sorry for the lame accompanying picture.